These jokes basically break down into three categories: a) the drummer is not a “real” musician, ie: who is the person who hangs around with the musicians…etc. b) the drummer has a brain barely capable of carrying out basic motor functions let alone higher cognitive abilities or c) can’t keep time or speeds up. There are other variations but those seem to be   general musician jokes and could apply to most other instrumentalists. The three types that we have here for discussion are actual attacks specific to drummers. I say it’s high time we fight back! After all, we know we’re the smartest people in the band. Without us there really is no band. We hold everything and everybody together. It’s really just jealousy on their part. That guitar player wishes he had the independence of a drummer. The bass player…well what can I say? He only has to hold down one note at a time. No comparison. The only instrumentalists who even come close to a drummer’s ability to move their hands and feet independently would be keyboard players but they’re so used to playing by themselves their time is usually off in a band situation (although they will always insist that you’re the one who’s wrong).

First thing you have to know is if you don’t put a stop to it with some good counter measures the situation will cascade into everyone in the room (even people not in the band) telling their versions of drummer jokes. You have to let them know that there are other musician jokes out there. Let’s start with vocalists:

“ How do you know there’s a singer at the front door?”

“ He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in!”

Here’s one I like that rings true from personal experience:

“What did the drummer say to the singer?”

“ Do you want this too fast or too slow?”

Singers have terrible tempo perception and they love the spotlight. I usually go with that with my retorts. Love Me! Love Me! Look at me everybody!

Next up we have guitarists. I haven’t found any really clever guitar player jokes yet but here a couple of standards:

“ How do you get a guitarist to play quietly?”

“ You put a piece of sheet music in front of him!”

Here’s a quick one.

“ Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?”

“ Neither have I!”

Guitarists are a dime a dozen. I wouldn’t worry too much about impressing or offending them. There will be someone different to take their place in the band eventually.

Now we come to the bass player. While the bassist is our chief partner in the rhythm section they may need to be taken down a notch once in awhile. I kind of like these:

“ What’s the difference between a bassist and a rhino that’s eaten a can of baked beans?”

“ One is a useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.”

Cutting to the core here:

“ How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?”

“ None, they let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.”

Which brings me finally to keyboard players. To be honest, I haven’t come across too many jokes out there that specifically address the character or essence if you will of the keyboardist. In my experience they’re usually pretty quiet and somewhat anti-social so the chance of a drummer joke coming from them in the first place is pretty remote. I do have one here that’ll work just in case:

“ What’s the difference between a keyboard player and a terrorist?”

“ You can negotiate with a terrorist.”

Well I hope this helps some of you at band practice. I kept the jokes pretty short because you want to be able to respond quickly. In comedy and drumming, it’s all about the timing.